Jokes about physicists and about physics

A physics student took up religion and transferred to a seminary. There he sits at a lecture and, being unused to it (or
perhaps being used to it), dozes off. In the course of the lecture the priest comes up to him and asks:
- So tell us, what is divine force?
The seminarian starts, but answers at once:
- Divine mass times divine acceleration.

A drunken physicist is resting on a bench, covered up with a textbook on field theory. A passer-by comes up to him and says:
- An agronomist, and drunk as a physicist.

It is well known that there are approximately pi times ten to the seventh seconds in a year. And this is easy to explain from a physical point of view. Indeed: pi because the Earth's orbit is round, and to the seventh because there are seven days in a week. And approximately because after all the orbit is not quite round but elliptical.

An elderly professor of astronomy steps up to the lectern in a black dinner jacket and white slippers.
- Dear students, I am not going to give you a lecture. I have come to say goodbye. Today the clock in my observatory stopped, a clock that had been running for very nearly three hundred years. I am certain of it: the End of the World has come!
The students giggled and jeered. Shouts and yells: "Buy yourself a Rolex!", "Change the cogs!", "Put in a new battery" and so on.
When the noise had died down, the professor spoke again:
- And now I shall tell you something that will stop you laughing at once. It is the sundial in my observatory that has stopped!

- And where is my beloved cow? 
- What are you saying, Mikhailo! Twenty years have gone by. 
- That is just what I am asking, where is my cow? 
- Come now, Mikhailo! Cows live eight years. 
- And where is the cow? 
- Which science are you strong in? Zoology or mechanics? 
- Mechanics. 
- Your cow has broken down.

In the school canteen. 
- Three seconds for me, please. 
- And how about the square root of minus two?

A train is pulling out of the station. A physicist is standing by an open door. Suddenly the train brakes sharply and the physicist, losing his footing, flies out of the door and hits a post. A passer-by is going past. 
- O-o-oh... - the physicist. 
- What is the matter with you?! Are you alive? - the passer-by. 
- O-o-oh! Yes... A good thing it is halved... 
- What?! 
- Oh, what a good thing it is halved... 
- What is halved?! Is your leg halved?! 
- Em vee squared, halved... - answers the physicist.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are driving across Australia and see a black sheep grazing in a meadow. 
- Look! Black sheep live in Australia. - says the biologist. 
- No. At least one black sheep lives in Australia. - states the physicist. 
- No, gentlemen. At least one sheep lives in Australia, and it is black on at least one side. - declares the mathematician.

A fire broke out in the hotel where an engineer, a mathematician and a physicist were staying. The engineer runs out into the corridor, sees a fire hose on the wall, grabs it, turns on the water and puts out the seat of the fire.
The physicist, having quickly estimated the volume of combustible material, the temperature of the flame, the heat capacity of water and of steam, the atmospheric pressure and so on, pours a strictly determined quantity of water from the carafe into a glass and puts out the fire with that water. 
The mathematician dashes out into the corridor, sees a fire extinguisher on the wall and, exclaiming with delight "A solution exists!", calmly goes back to his room...

A biologist, a statistician and a physicist were each invited, for 100,000 dollars, to devise a way of predicting the outcome of horse races. The results: 
The biologist: 
- I have drawn up a table from which, knowing the biological data of the horses, one can predict the winner. 

The statistician: 
- I have built a regression from which, knowing the previous races, one can predict the winning horse. 

The physicist: 
- I need another two years and 1 million dollars for the work, and so far I have built a model that makes it possible to predict the victory of a spherical horse in a vacuum. 

News from the world of nuclear physics: a kitten's stomach is no bigger than a thimble, and consequently the two litres of milk it is able to drink in an hour are in its stomach at a pressure of 50000 atmospheres, which is ten times the pressure at the epicentre of a nuclear explosion.

Two physicists are sitting in a cafe. A girl walks past. One physicist says to the other:
— Just look at that - what an interesting combination of atoms!